In this article, you will learn:

1. Gaslighting in Relationships Definition
2. What is a Gaslighter Personality?
3. Why is it Called Gaslighting?
4. Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship
5. Examples of Gaslighting in a Relationship
6. How Gaslighting Works?
7. How to Stop Gaslighting in a Relationship?
8. How To Get Out Of A Relationship With A Gaslighting Partner?
9. FAQs

One of the common areas where gaslighting is used is intimate relationships. You may have experienced Gaslighting in a relationship and know how it feels. Or you may not know that your partner is a gaslighter and is manipulating you to gain control over you. 

Whatever may be the case, you must understand that experiencing gaslighting in a relationship is harmful to your mental health. 

The gaslighting partners impress you to an extent that you are swept off your feet. However, they eventually drop you off the cliff. 

But, it is quite challenging for you to stay away from the gaslighting partner even when things go wrong. This is because the initial attraction is very strong.

You must remember that Gaslighting in a relationship works differently.

Gaslighting in Relationships Definition

Gaslighting in a relationship is a type of manipulation used by one partner to challenge the sense of the reality of the other. The goal of the gaslighting partner is to gain control over the other.  

You may feel that your gaslighter partner wants to save you from one of your pet anxieties. And hence is hitting one of your key anxieties. However, you must remember that gaslighters are driven by their own needs. Your gaslighter partner may be a strong man or an insecure individual. Either way, he/she feels weak and powerless inside. 

So, to gain power and feel secured, he needs to prove that he is right. And thus convince you to agree with him. On the other hand, if you idealize your gaslighter partner, you would crave his approval. Although you may not be consciously aware of it. So, if you have even a little doubt or think you’re not competent all by yourself, you are vulnerable to gaslighting. 

And your gaslighter partner will take advantage of this vulnerability and put you in double binds over and over again. 

Gaslighting Tango

Dr. Robin Stern in his book “The Gaslight Effect” says that it takes two to tango. That is, a gaslighting relationship can develop only if it involves two individuals. The gaslighter will make you feel insane to make himself feel powerful and in control. But, you as a gaslighter too would be eager to get your gaslighter partner’s approval. 

Thus, gaslighting can take place only where there is a gaslighter who idealizes the gaslighter and is desperate to seek his approval. 

Accordingly, just as a gaslighter is eager to make you be dependent on him, you as a gaslighter are equally desperate to seek his approval. In fact, you may do anything to get things right between the both of you. Even if it means accepting your gaslighter partner’s negative view about you. 

Further, the gaslighter would adopt various tactics to make the victim feel crazy, insane, and uncertain about his/her feelings and beliefs. Hence, such confusion makes the victim become more dependent on the gaslighting partner for the correct version of reality. 

The gaslighting partner considers himself/herself to be above the other. He/she sees the victim’s partner as the one who has all the problems. However, he/she sees himself/herself as the one without any problem. 

Conclusion

Gaslighting partner puts you on a pedestal initially and eventually drops you off the cliff. Further, they are least concerned about your needs out of a relationship. You will find them humiliating you in front of others, demanding respect, and comparing you to others. 

Further, they are always seeking attention and newness in a relationship. Therefore, you will never be able to satisfy their needs no matter what you do. 

What is a Gaslighter Personality?

Gaslighter personality is a confident, charming personality who is there to gain control over others. He/she is a master manipulator and controller who will convince you that you are crazy and a big bundle of problems. 

His/her goal is to confuse you so that you question everything that’s happening with you. Further, he/she will put you in double minds so that you come back to them to understand the correct version of reality. This helps them to gain control over you. 

Also, he/she will use your words against you, plot against you, lie on your face, and ignore your needs. He/she will show off enormous power, will try to persuade you for alternative reality, and turn your loved ones against you. They do this to see you suffer, reinforce their power and control, and increase your dependence on them. 

Gaslighter can be your friend, partner, employer, colleague, employee, parent, neighbor, or sibling. Therefore, it is important to understand the characteristics of a gaslighter personality to be able to recognize them.

Characteristics of a Gaslighting Personality

Following are the characteristics of a gaslighter. Gaslighters, 

• apologize, but with conditions. Therefore, their apology is actually not one. They only apologize if they want something out of you. Or they were forced by law to do so. 
• either pit you against your loved ones or will convey what they want to say to you via third parties. 
• ask for special treatment
• use false flattery to get favors out of you
• compare you with others to gain control
• are pally with people who praise them
• are consumed by their achievements
• confuse you and put you in double binds. This is because they want you to be dependent on them to know the correct version of your reality. 
• are obsessed with the way they appear to others. Thus, they will ask you to compensate if you make them look bad. Likewise, they are also obsessed with the way you appear to others. So you will be a soft target for your gaslighter partner if you have weight issues. Or have a poor choice of clothing according to them. 
• con people
• have a bad temper
• instill fear in you 
• are indifferent to rewards as well as punishments. 
• empathize but without any feeling or emotion attached
• do not take responsibility for their faults. For the, you or others are always at fault
• are habituated to lie
• drain you out with time
• project their feelings on you
• are pathetic teasers. They tease you in private initially and then do the same in front of family and friends. 
• do not compliment you. In fact, their compliments are insults disguised in compliments. 
• never keep promises
• spread bad word about you

Examples of Gaslighting Phrases

Here are some of the examples of gaslighting phrases that your gaslighter partners use: 

• Making You Challenge Your Sense of Reality

“They were making fun of you when you put this opinion of yours forward.”

“I can never say this to you. You are just imagining things.”

• Using Your Values Against You

“I thought love was about respecting each other’s individuality and personal space.”

“Isn’t life all about challenges and solving problems?” 

• Intimidating You With The Fear of Abandonment and Neglect

“No one is going to like you”

“You will remain single for your entire life.”

• Reminding You of Your Fears

“You are way too sensitive. Be strong.”

“You are way too fat. Do something about it.”

• Getting in Other Difficult Relationships

“That’s the reason your previous employer left you.”

“This is why your friends talk to you like that.”

• Feeling Sorry Frequently

“I’m sorry I misunderstood your conversation. That won’t happen again.”

“I apologize for not being able to attend your friend’s party.” 

• Getting Into Whose Right and Wrong

“I am not demanding. Don’t you see I try to manage without many things?”

“ I don’t come late on purpose. I have a lot of work these days in the office.”

• Self Blaming and Doubting 

“Maybe you are right that I have become less organized over a period of time.” 

“I think you are right when you say that I don’t know how to prioritize things.”

Why is it Called Gaslighting?

The term ‘Gaslighting’ is taken from a 1938 play named ‘Gaslight’ by Patrick Hamilton. But, the term ‘Gaslighting’ got popularized through a 1944 movie titled ‘Gaslight’. This movie is about a woman named Paula whose husband Gregory manipulates her to believe that she is going insane. 

Gaslight – Plot

Paula’s aunt Alice, a renowned opera singer is murdered at her home in London. The murderer leaves the house without the jewels for which he killed Alice. This is because he is obstructed by Paula, who is Alice’s fourteen-year-old niece. Aunt Alice raised Paula after her mother’s death. Since Alice is also murdered, Paula is sent to Italy for training to become an opera singer herself. 

Now, after a few years, the grown-up Paula meets Gregory. And after two weeks of a love affair, decide to get married. Gregory urges Paula to return to London. Thus, she returns back and puts in her dead Aunt Alice’s London Townhouse. To help Paula forget her aunt’s demise, Gregory asks her to put all her aunt Alice’s furnishings in an attic. 

Now, this is when weird things start happening with Paula, which in reality are all plotted by her gaslighter husband Gregory. For instance, Paula sees the gaslights going dull and lighting up without any cause. To which Gregory says that she is imagining things.

Whereas it’s actually Gregory who causes the flickering gaslight by turning on the attic lights and thereby decreasing the gas to the lights downstairs. Similarly, a picture on the wall disappears. Thus, Gregory convinces her that it’s one of her many instances of hiding things and that it’s Paula who took the picture. 

But eventually, the truth unfolds that it’s Gregory who’s making Paula believe that she’s crazy. As he wants her to give power of attorney to her. 

Conclusion

Gregory is the same man who killed Paula’s aunt Alice for jewels.  And has been gaslighting Paula so that he can continue to undertake his criminal activities. 

Thus, the term ‘gaslight’ is taken from this psychological thriller film where a husband manipulates his wife to believe that she is going insane. 

Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship

Your Gaslighting partners: 

• Have a  history of cheating in prior relationships. So, if he/she says that they have been cheating, its a warning sign of gaslighting. 
• Openly flaunt their cheating as they are know that you  would not question him/her 
• Change their routines and behaviors to hide their cheating. They also deny such changes when you ask them
• Respond to your bad behavior quite aggressively. This may include threatening, stalking, etc. 
• Showcase warning signals from the time you two started dating. However, you either ignored or were not aware of such signals. 
• Project their wrongful acts onto you. Further, they claim that you were unable to fulfill their needs. Hence, the did the wrongful act.
• Never apologize but expect an apology from you. 
• Leave you immediately when you are caught
• You are fearful of bringing up his act of cheating because you know that he may retaliate or abuse.

There are some clear signs of gaslighting in a relationship that helps you understand if your partner is a gaslighter. These signs of gaslighting in a relationship are as follows. 

Gaslighters Set The Rules For Sex

Gaslighters are really good at pretending romantic behavior and emotional connection in the initial phases of your relationship. But the reality is gaslighters cannot pretend for very long.

Eventually, they are the ones who decide the rules for physical intimacy. Thus, for gaslighters, what matters is their pleasure and not yours.

You are simply there to meet the need of the gaslighting partner for pleasure. Furthermore, very quickly you will understand that you are treated as an object. You are not treated as a partner or a spouse.

Thus, here are some of the rules that gaslighters set for physical intimacy in your relationship:

• You should be available for sex always when you need the same.
• Gaslighters would say that you would appear more sexually attractive to them when you change your physical outlook.
• They may say a no when you want to have sex.
• Gaslighters humiliate you if you are not able to fulfill what they want sexually out of you.
• They are least bothered if you are feeling pleasurable. Likewise, they do not care if you are feeling the pain.

They Have a History of Infidelity 

One of the other signs of gaslighting in a relationship is the gaslighter partner’s infidelity. Accordingly, they have a history of cheating in their prior relationships. In addition to this, they take pride in openly flaunting their acts of cheating in their friends and family. 

Some of the common characteristics to the tales of cheating of your gaslighter partners. For instance, gaslighters

• Have a  history of cheating in prior relationships. So, if he/she says that they have been cheating, it’s a warning sign of gaslighting. 
• Openly flaunt their cheating as they know that you  would not question him/her 
• Change their routines and behaviors to hide their cheating. They also deny such changes when you ask them
• Respond to your bad behavior quite aggressively. This may include threatening, stalking, etc. 
• Showcase warning signals from the time you two started dating. However, you either ignored or were not aware of such signals. 
• Project their wrongful acts onto you. Further, they claim that you were unable to fulfill their needs. Hence, they did the wrongful act.
• Never apologize but expect an apology from you. 
• Leave you immediately when you are caught
• You are fearful of bringing up his act of cheating because you know that he may retaliate or abuse.

Remember, You Can’t Cause A Partner To Cheat

One thing you must know is that no partner or spouse can cause the other to move towards infidelity.

Furthermore, you can never cause a partner or spouse to cheat. Remember that it was your partner’s choice to cheat on you.

A gaslighting partner has other ways or options to deal with the situation. For instance, he or she could have:

• Talked things out with you
• Discontinue the relationship
• Could have attended couple’s therapy/
• Sought Help from a therapist

However, your gaslighting partner chose to cheat on you. One thing you must remember here is that a gaslighting partner cheated not because you lacked something. But because he or she craves variety and attention.

Gaslighting partners have never-ending needs to fulfill even if you did things perfectly. Furthermore, with them, it will always be you who would be blamed for cheating. 

This is because gaslighters are never at fault. Further, they do not believe in taking responsibility for their mistakes.

Also, they are not empathetic and never feel guilty. That’s why it is suggested that you must get tested for STD if you find that your gaslighting partner has not been loyal to you.

Remember, you were not on his mind when he or she cheated on you. Furthermore, he or she did not use protection while cheating on you.

Gaslighting Tactics in a Relationship

The following are the tactics that gaslighters use in intimate relationships.

• Love Bombing
• Hoovering
• Stonewalling
• Flying Monkeys
• Triangulation

We have explained these gaslighting tactics in detail in the section Gaslighting Tactics. You can refer the same to know more.

The following are the tactics that gaslighters use in intimate relationships.

• Love Bombing

Love Bombing is one of the significant gaslighting tactics. It is a tactic in which gaslighters first put you on a pedestal. 

That is, they are all praises about you and sweep you off your feet. And then eventually, they drop you off the cliff. 

The initial attraction is so strong that it is difficult for you to not blame yourself for your gaslighting partner’s bad behavior when things go bad.

You will always make an effort and think of ways to get back to your gaslighting partner. But you must remember that things do not work that way with a gaslighter.

For him or her, the initial wit or charm is all a game. Further, you cannot get back to the gaslighting person to the initial witty, charming person that he or she is.

This is because he or she doesn’t exist in the first place. Further, they will never showcase their pathological side until you get in a relationship with them.

That’s why you end up blaming yourself the first time your gaslighting partner lies brutally. This is because it is hard for you to believe that a person who loved you so much initially would do that to you.

As mentioned earlier, it is very difficult for you to move away from your gaslighting partner when he uses the love-bombing tactic. This is because you receive so much attention which acts like a drug.

You will feel as if no one treated you in such a way before. Also, you get an amazing feeling for the person who puts you on cloud nine. But with time you are doomed to fall so badly that it is quite painful for you. 

• Hoovering

The gaslighters would try to suck you back at the moment they feel you are moving away from them. This is one of the gaslighting tactics called Hoovering.

Thus, you will find gaslighters switching between coming closer to you, cutting off, and then coming back again. 

Further, gaslighters make all possible efforts to suck you back in if they get the slightest of a hint of possible abandonment. Remember, gaslighters fear getting abandoned.

This abandonment is called narcissistic injury. In addition to this, gaslighters have a never-ending need for attention and newness. 

No matter how much you try, you will never be able to meet a gaslighter’s needs. They will always go to someone else or something else to satisfy those needs.

Thus, they will drop you off a cliff the moment they find someone or something else to get attention from. This is very confusing and painful. In other words, you get amazed at the other side of your gaslighting partner when he or she unmasks himself or herself.

As a result, it is typical for you to blame yourself for not being able to recognize the gaslighter in your relationship. But, you must not forget that gaslighters are master pretenders. This means they are good at pretending normally. 

In addition to this, gaslighters use objects to suck you back into the relationship. This means you may receive messages from your gaslighting partner for your things that are in his or her possession.

Example

For instance, “Do you want your clothes you left with me”. Thus, you must understand the gaslighter’s intention is not to give you back things and move on. But it is a way to get in touch with you again.

Similarly, gaslighters also seek physical contact. You should not wonder if your gaslighting partner surprises you by having physical intercourse better than ever.

Thus, you would feel that your partner is trying to connect with you emotionally. Further, you may also feel that he or she is trying to give you an experience that you always wanted to have.

But remember, such a thing would not last long as it’s just a way to get you back in.  

• Stonewalling

Stonewalling is one of the other gaslighting tactics that gaslighting partners use. It is nothing but the act of remaining dead silent or an act of disappearing. Your gaslighting partner makes you experience this when he or she is caught.

Or they would not simply want to talk about it because that is the way they find it easy. Furthermore, you would not see or hear from them if you do not live with them.

Likewise, gaslighting partners would not answer your messages or phone calls. During all this while, you get all the more worried for the time you do not hear from them. They will simply stop communicating with you and disappear for long periods of time. Then, they may eventually appear as and when they like.

In addition to this, gaslighters love to see you upset from their behavior. Further, staying with a gaslighter practicing stonewalling becomes all the more difficult. 

This is because they make you feel as if you do not exist even though you are right beside them.

So, what should you do with a gaslighting partner who practices stonewalling? The best thing that you can do in such a case is to start practicing stonewalling yourself.

You too practice dead silence and do not worry yourself with stonewaller’s behavior. Remember, your stonewalling partner is seeking a reaction. So don’t give them one.

Instead, make them feel it doesn’t impact you for in reality it really doesn’t.

• Triangulation

Gaslighters use many gaslighting tactics to trick you into manipulation. However, one of their favorite tactics is Triangulation.

Triangulation is a technique of communicating with someone via other people. In other words, gaslighters would approach a sibling, common friend, coworker, or parent to convey the message instead of directly talking to someone.

Thus, a gaslighter may not approach you directly. Instead, he or she would try to convey something via someone else in common.

For example, “Sam is not bothered about her weight. I so wish that she understands that I feel ashamed going out with her”, said Tom, Sam’s husband to Sam’s cousin Maria.

This is a classic example of Triangulation. Here Tom is trying to tell Maria in an implied way that he feels ashamed to go out with Sam because of her weight issues.

Indirectly, Tow wants Maria to communicate this to Sam. Likewise, Gaslighters can use strong and direct statements to convey the message via others.

The above statement can be sailed directly in the following manner:

Tom to Maria: “Please tell Sam to lose her weight.”

So, to achieve this tactic, gaslighters make use of other people called the Flying Monkeys.

We have explained these gaslighting tactics in detail in the section Gaslighting Tactics. You can refer to the same to know more.

Examples of Gaslighting in a Relationship

Gaslighting is not like typical abuse. It is insidious and that’s why it can go unnoticed. Here are some examples of gaslighting in relationships to help you understand how gaslighting works. 

Gaslighting Examples in Marriage

Following are the gaslighting examples in marriage as well as examples of gaslighting in relationships:

Blaming You For The Mess

Peter and Hauli have been in marriage for the past five years. But, all is not well. Peter has been dating Sara for a while of which Hauli has no clue.

Lately, Hauli finds Peter getting irritated and questioning her credibility. Peter has been linking Hauli either with a coworker or has been accusing her of cheating on him instead.

“Whom are you planning to meet tonight? Why are you wearing such short clothes and going out with your coworkers? Why is your colleague John teasing you always?”

Hearing all this, Hauli wonders what wrong has she done that Peter is mistreating her? Thus, Hauli tells herself multiple times in a day that there is something wrong at my end. I need to figure it out so as to stop Peter from misbehaving with me.”

When Gaslighting Partner Sets The Rules

James has always been the dominating one in his marriage. Whereas, Maria is the one who has been accepting things as they come her way.

As far as their physical relationship is concerned, it’s James who is the needy one. He is always guiding Maria on what she can do to make their sexual life great.

“Maria you should never say a no when I feel the need to have sex with you. I don’t want you to make excuses like you are tired, unwell, or don’t feel like having the same. And better watch out on your weight and what you wear to keep me sexually active.”

Not Confronting Act Of Cheating Out Of Fear

Nicky has been cheating on his partner Brady for a while now. One day, Nicky’s boyfriend Shawn plans to meet Nicky at her place when Brady is not there.

However, Brady comes back home to collect the papers he forgot for an important meeting later in the day.

As Brady returns, he finds Nicky having a nice time in their bedroom. Despite catching Nicky red-handed with Shawn, Brady refuses to voice his concern. 

He said, “I don’t want to bring up this issue with Nicky. I fear what she might do if we ever talk about it.”

Brady is fearful because Nicky has been violent, abusive, and retaliated multiple times whenever Brady questioned her if he was cheating on him.

Changes Routines to Conceal Cheating

Sam and Velma are married for over four years now. However, all is not well as far as their conjugal happiness is concerned. Off late, Sam goes to the office early and comes back home late. 

He gets irritated when Velma runs just a little late in serving him breakfast. Likewise, he gets annoyed when Velma touches his phone or asks him why he comes back late from the office. 

Sam has been dating Stacy, a colleague in his office from the past 6 months. And to conceal his relationship out of marriage, Sam makes excuses and has changed his daily routine. 

Sam: “I have a lot of work these days in the office. You want me to get money to the house? If so, let me work. I will have to leave early and come back late.”

Velma: “But why is your phone switched off for the most part of the day? How should I contact you when in need.” 

Sam: I have work, Velma. And bankers trouble me for installments and interest payments the whole day. What do you think I fool around with women at my office? 

Ignoring the Warning Signs

All is not well between Caroline and Mark. Both have been married to each other for the past 10 years. Mark is tired of Caroline’s unreasonable behavior. She’s the dominant one and expects things to be done her way. 

Since the time of their dating, Caroline has been least concerned about Mark’s needs out of a relationship. 

She’s never taking responsibility for her mistakes and very easily puts things on Mark. It’s all about what she likes to eat, what she likes to do, whom she likes to be with. Since the beginning, she comes up with some issue or the other whenever it’s something that is required from Mark’s end. 

Be it attending a social function of his friends or family, his desire to go on a date night, sitting and chilling with her at home, etc. 

“I don’t like you going out with your family, Mark. They all have very different interests.”

How Gaslighting Works? 

As per Stephanie Moulton Sarkis, Ph.D., and author of the book ‘Gaslighting’, Gaslighters don’t start off aggressively. This is because the person being gaslighted would go away there and then. Therefore, Gaslighting is done insidiously to enhance the confusion and make the person being gaslighted challenge his/her sense of reality. 

Likewise, as per Dr. Robin Stern, gaslighting works in stages. Initially, the gaslighting done is so insignificant that it is difficult to observe it. For instance, your partner may blame your poor planning for not being able to prepare his boss’s favorite dish for dinner. You may ignore this initially thinking that it’s his short temper or that he didn’t mean to hurt you. Or you may start doubting your planning and management skills. 

Eventually, gaslighting defines your life and you get obsessed with your feelings. Lastly, you get pushed into depression and are unable to remember the person you once were. That is who you are and what is your point of view. 

Now, it is not mandatory that you will go through all three stages. However, for the majority of individuals, the situation goes from the first to the last stage. 

Stage #1 – Disbelief

The first stage is marked by disbelief. Your gaslighter partner will say something disgraceful like ‘I know you wear such clothes with your office colleagues to attract men and flirt with them’. You may not believe that your partner actually said this to you. 

You may either think that you made a mistake in understanding or maybe he misunderstood. Or that he is just fooling around with you. 

The comment seems so offbeat that you simply ignore it. Or you make good the error however you do not do it, putting all your effort. You engage in disputes but are sure of your own opinion. 

Accordingly, you want your gaslighter partner’s approval but are not desperate about it. You may try to explain to your partner that you have no intention of wooing men when wearing chic clothes.   Sometimes, you may get this feeling that you are almost there explaining this thing to your partner. However, the reality is he never understands. Then you start thinking whether it is him or it is you?  He’s so good at times, why is he behaving so strangely now? 

Thus, in stage 1, a subtle form of gaslighting makes you feel confused, worried and irritated. But you’re still grounded on your perspective. 

Stage #2 – Defense

This stage finds you defending yourself. You look for proof so that you can prove your gaslighter partner wrong and argue with him compulsively in your mind. You simply do this to seek your gaslighter partner’s approval. 

Now, in the example above, say the statement about you wearing chic clothes to woo men plays on repeat in your mind. Be it at the time for breakfast, lunch, dinner, or when you fall asleep. Or your get-togethers with family and friends. You’re just looking for ways to prove yourself right. 

This you do because you believe that this will earn you your gaslighter partner’s approval and then all will be well. You feel bad about not being a good partner and put in all the energy to seek your partner’s approval. All this without accepting your partner’s bad behavior. 

Thus, you are in stage 2 if you feel obsessive and desperate to seek your partner’s approval. You don’t know if you can win your gaslighter partner’s approval but you don’t give up. 

Stage #3 – Depression

This is the most dangerous of all stages. In the depression stage, you are earnestly trying to prove that your gaslighter partner is right. Thus, you think that if you agree to what he says or does and go as per him, you can earn his approval. 

This stage wears you out and you are left with no energy to dispute with your partner. 

Let’s take an example here to better understand the depression stage. 

Example

Maria is forty years old and works as a senior financial consultant in one of the big fours. One of the incidents leaves her so anxious that she’s forced to visit a psychoanalyst. 

It’s a hectic day at work as it is the year-end closing. She’s trying harder than ever to finish the tasks for the day as she’s supposed to meet her partner’s friends for dinner. 

However, at the last moment, she comes to know that she will have to stay an hour extra at work and will get late for dinner. The very thought of letting his partner Daniel know about this makes her anxious.  “I couldn’t think of anything at that time”, said Maria to her psychoanalyst as she cried uncontrollably.

 All I could think of was how annoyed Daniel would get. The expression on his face that I would get late for dinner. And the volley of questions that will come my way – did you think of managing your time well, Maria? You’ve been working for years. You didn’t bother about the dinner with my friends, didn’t you? You know how important it was for me. Your work is more important than me or my friends, is it? You let me know, whatever it is. 

Maria further tells her psychoanalyst that those questions from her partner are never-ending. She further says that she has tried explaining, feeling sorry, and even ignoring his statements in good humor. But nothing works. 

After a while, she goes into a state of self-blaming and doubting. “Maybe my partner is right. Over a period of time, I have lost the skill of managing things. I don’t know how to manage things in time anymore.”

Maria is in the third stage of gaslighting wherein she has started believing that her partner’s negative views about her are correct. She has got influenced by her partner and wants his approval so desperately that she has started taking his accusations even when she is not wrong. 

For her, taking her partner’s accusations is much easier than acknowledging his bad behavior like going mad at her for getting late for the party. 

Also Read: Existential Depression: Know Examples, Symptoms, and Treatment

Conclusion

Thus, the initial wit and charm of your gaslighter partners are all a game for them.

Further, you may end up blaming yourself for your gaslighting partner’s bad behavior towards you.

Additionally, you would make all the attempts to get that initial charming, witty person back into your life. But the reality is that a gaslighter would never come back. This is because a gaslighter does not exist in the first place.

Also, you must understand that gaslighting in a relationship is very painful. It is full of confusion and turmoil. Further, it is super easy for you to feel ashamed.

However, there is nothing to be ashamed about because the gaslighter’s charm fools even influential people. 

In addition to this, there is never a moment of respite once the gaslighting partner showcases his or her true side.

Also, you would bother yourself with the fact that what did you do so wrong that made your gaslighting partner misbehave.

Thus, beware if you find your gaslighting partner projecting his or her emotions on you or you find yourself blaming for all the mess.

Sit down and think of alternative perspectives so you must not blame yourself for your gaslighting partner’s misbehavior.

How to Stop Gaslighting in a Relationship?

Now that we know the three stages of gaslighting as well as examples of gaslighting in a relationship, we can learn how to stop gaslighting in a relationship. You can do this by watching out for signs of gaslighting in each stage and then adopting techniques to turn off or stop gaslighting. 

But before that, you need to prepare yourself to take some action in order to stop gaslighting. This is because it is easy for your gaslighter partner to overwhelm you. Likewise, it is easy for you to idealize your gaslighter partner and be desperate to seek his approval, doubt yourself, and go by what he says. 

But you must remember that you can alter or stop gaslighting only when you are willing to take some action – that is leave your gaslighting relationship. This is even if you are not going to leave it anyway.  

You need to be comfortable with the fact that you or your gaslighter partner have the right to have your own opinions. And that there is no need for you to seek his approval or given into his negative view about you. Likewise, you don’t need to give him any explanation of how good you are in a relationship. 

Further, you must be inclined towards leaving your gaslighter partner if he continues to penalize you for having your opinion. Till the time he will not know that you are inclined to move away, he will not alter his behavior. 

So, here are some techniques as per Robin Stern of how to stop gaslighting in a relationship. 

Separate Truth from the Misinterpretation

Typically, your gaslighting partner tells you his version of the event and you give into it. Your gaslighting partner’s version of the event has enough truth that convinces you that the whole thing is actually true. 

Therefore, it is very important to separate truth from the misleading version of the event as a first step. In our above example of Maria and Daniel, Daniel is adamant on convincing Maria that she is disorganized. And that it doesn’t bother her as to what matters to Daniel. 

There may be no evident signs that something is going wrong with their relationship. For instance, Daniel gives her the love she needs and is a good guy. Then why is he behaving so weird? 

She becomes frustrated and irritated with why Daniel behaves that way with her? Now, things can turn if Mari decides to calm down and try to look at the truth. Rather than convincing Daniel that she is a good partner and defending herself or focusing on her partner’s accusations. 

When Daniel Said “You are disorganized”, Maria used to think that “I got late because I had work.”

How Separating Truth From Misunderstanding Looks Like?

Maybe Daniel gets anxious when things don’t go as per plan. He’s not telling the real thing and is projecting his feelings on me. 

Likewise, when Daniel Said “You aren’t bothered about things that matter to me”, Maria used to think “I do care and I’m working a lot for the relationship.”

How Separating Truth From Misunderstanding Looks Like?

“It’s not about I being disorganized. He’s trying to hurt me and impose his reality on me that I don’t care.” 

See If Your Conversation is a Power Struggle. If Yes, Simply Come Out

The worst thing about gaslighting is that it is insidious. You really don’t come to know if the conversation you are having with your gaslighter partner is actually a power struggle. Look at the endless conversation between Agatha and Nick. 

Example

Nick: Did you see your colleague looking at you? This is why you wear such clothes when you go out with office people? 

Agatha: Nick, he’s simply an office friend, nothing else. And he had no such intention. 

Nick: Why are you so innocent? I thought you’ll understand this time. That stare was not friendly at all. 

Agatha: He treats me like his sister. He wasn’t looking at me like that. 

Nick: You think this stops him from looking at you like that. I think you enjoy his attention yourself. Don’t you? That’s why you wear such clothes. 

Agatha: I’m your partner Nick, and all I think of or yearn for such attention is you. 

Nick: If you care about me, at least be honest

Agatha: I’m being very much honest with you. Don’t you see how much I love and care about you?

Nick: if you love me, accept that you wear such clothes to grab your colleague’s attention. 

Agatha: But I don’t do it. How can you heaven think about me like that? I love you and its a request, believe me. 

Conclusion

As you can see, neither of the two is talking about the real incident. Where Daniel is putting all the energies into proving that he is right. Maria, on the other hand, is trying to seek Daniel’s approval that she has no such intention when she wears chic clothes. 

Both are into a power struggle. Instead, they can have a healthy conversation where each one can express their feelings. For instance, Daniel can say how he feels when someone tries to come close to Maria. Likewise, Maria can put her point forward that she feels curbed when Daniel comments on the ways she dresses up. 

You may get emotional, but the conversation is not like each one trying to impose his/her thing on the other. The best way to turn off gaslighting here is the moment you feel your conversation is turning into a power play, simply opt-out. 

Recognize Your  As Well As Your Partner’s Gaslight Triggers

As mentioned above, when it comes to gaslighting, both you and your gaslighter partner are part of the Gaslight Tango. Therefore, both you and your partner are likely to have certain gaslight triggers. In other words, there exist circumstances that compel both of you to undertake the Gaslight Tango.

Accordingly, it will be of great advantage if you can identify these triggers for it will help you to prevent you from falling for the Gaslight Tango. 

Now, this is not to say that you are the one in charge of you falling for the Gaslight Tango. Nor is your gaslighter partner in charge of your falling for the dance. But, both you and your partner can initiate the dance. And both of you have higher odds of initiating it in certain situations.

Therefore, there is no need for you to feel bad or accuse each other. Instead, concentrate on identifying triggers so that you can stop gaslighting in your relationship. 

Here are certain things that you can do to identify the triggers. 

Look for the Issues and Situations That Trigger Gaslighting

Gaslighting is your reaction to stress. Accordingly, you become a gaslighter or gaslightee when you feel endangered or intimidated. Therefore, there are certain issues that get you under stress. You can check if these issues act as triggers for you and your partner.

• Money
• Sex
• Vacation
• Life decisions like job, marriage, etc
• Family
• Children
• Two different opinions
• Rules

Look for Things That You Say Or Do That Initiate Gaslighting

There are certain words or actions that you say or do that trigger gaslighting in your relationship. This does not mean that you are in charge of his misbehavior.  Nor does this mean that you have to step down to stop his misbehavior. 

You can alter your actions or the words which work wonders for your relationship. For instance, when it comes to certain men, they become gaslighters when they are asked to do something they don’t like to do. 

For instance, Mike hates to pay bills and gets gaslighted when asked to do so. Laura asked Mike to pay utility bills on a weekend as she was busy with some work. They entered into a long argument where Laura said, “You always put this thing on me. 

So what if you pay the bill once?” Instead of using such statements, she could choose polite words like, “Dear, I’m in the midst of something important. I know you hate doing this. But it would be great if you could pay the utility bills this time.” 

Look For Power Struggles or Manipulative Acts That Initiate Gaslighting

Here, we need to accept the fact that none of us are perfect. At some point or the other, we do use tactics to manipulate things. We pull off power plays, try to act on our partner’s weaker points, become stubborn, over-demanding, and throw insulting comments. We criticize and intentionally do things that will make our partner go insane. 

So if we identify these triggers, we can alter our actions to turn off gaslighting. 

See How You Earn Your Gaslighter Partner’s Approval

Now, one can totally understand how it feels when you desperately need your gaslighter’s approval. There are situations in a gaslighting relationship when only your gaslighter partner’s consent makes you feel worthy, good, and a capable person. 

However, you need to understand that pressing your partner for approval to reduce your stress can aggravate gaslighting all the more. 

So, instead of entering into a power play to earn your gaslighter partner’s approval, you can alter your statements to turn off gaslighting. 

Concentrate on Feelings In Place of Right or Wrong

Typically, the accusations made by your gaslighter partner seem true. But this makes you enter into a power struggle with him. This is because you become desperate to earn your gaslighter partner’s approval. Because seeking this approval helps you prove that you are a good, loyal partner. 

But, instead of concentrating on who is right and wrong, focus on your feelings. If you’re feeling guilty, you can say sorry and do your best to mend things. However, if you feel devastated or hurt, you know your partner has gaslighted you. So instead of entering into a long argument, simply opt-out of the conversation. 

Controlling Someone’s Opinion is Out of Your Circle of Influence

As said earlier, we pull off power struggles with our gaslighter partner to prove our point. Much like Maria, we may have a genuine concern or an irritation at our end. But the reality is no matter what we do, that is not going to change our gaslighter’s viewpoint about us. 

So, one needs to understand no matter how much you explain or argue, that is not going to change what your partner thinks about you. The moment you understand, you take yourself on the path of liberty and prevent the Gaslighting Tango to initiate. 

How To Get Out Of A Relationship With A Gaslighting Partner?

It may be difficult for you to figure out whether to stay with your gaslighting partner or leave. This confusion is bound to happen. 

In such a case, it is always good to ask yourself certain important questions. These  include:

Is My Partner Meeting My Needs?

You may not be able to make a list of your needs out of a relationship. This is because you have got used to fulfilling your gaslighting partner’s needs. And now, you find it so difficult to remember your needs.

Some of the appropriate needs in a relationship include:

• Your partner listening to you or hearing you
• To be able to be yourself without any hesitation
• Getting physical affection
• Feeling safe
• Getting respect

Does He/She Align With My Values?

Similarly, there are higher odds that you may not be clear with your own values. 

This is because your gaslighting partner has challenged your self-esteem to the extent that you are unable to understand the things you stand for.

Some of the values that you must look for in a partner include:

• Honesty
• Kindness
• Safety and Security
• Helping out others

Thus, these are signs that it is time to move out of the relationship. Some of the things that you can do to get out of a relationship with a gaslighting partner include:

• Ending the relationship
• Cutting off all contact and blocking him or her on texts, calls, emails, etc.

Emotional Gaslighting Examples in Relationship

Gaslighters manipulate and control other people as it is their way of life. They try to take everyone down along with them.Emotional or physical harassment is a real thing whether you experience it at home, work, or in relationships.

However, victims of gaslighting are discredited to be vocal of their experiences. Not only this, they are even questioned whether they were really harassed or not.

Thus, gaslighters use various gaslighting tactics to abuse their targets. In certain cases, this cycle of abuse escalates to an extent that it leads to death.

There are five types of abuse that gaslighters resort to. These include verbal, economic, physical, sexual, and emotional. Many of the gaslighting tactics that a gaslighter makes use of come under emotional abuse. This is because the gaslighters are aware that emotional abuse does not cause any visible damage. So, the following are the emotional gaslighting examples that will help you understand how gaslighters emotionally abuse victims.

Humiliating Partner In Front of Others

Its been 20 years that Maria and Jack are married. Jack is a bit short-tempered while Maria is the one who is more emotionally stable. Thus, Jack behaves aggressively with Maria whenever he is frustrated or angry.

He humiliates Maria in front of his family and friends whenever they go out together. He speaks to Maria in a disrespectful manner and makes her feel that she is dum who knows nothing. Once both Jack and Maria went for dining with their friends. All of them started discussing about their personal lives. When it was Jack’s turn, he explained how he spent time with Maria and kids. While he was narrating the instance, Maria shared her side of the story as well. Initially all was well.

However, after, few minutes Jack started passing remarks to Maria in a jovial way. Slowly, these remarks turned into abusive words, yelling, and harassing Maria in front of his friends. Maria tried stopping Jack. However, he continued to abuse her. This was not the first time when Jack was harassing Maria in front of others. When they came back home Jack apologized. But, his apology seemed empty to Maria. Whenever Jack abused Maria in front of other people, her love for Jack diminished.

Comparing Partners to Others

John was just 23 years old when he married Jenny. Jenny was 25 at that time. Furthermore, Jenny was a bit stout relative to John who had a lean body. Its been 12 years that they are married. Until now, John had no issues with Jenny.

However, the past one year of their marriage has been quite rough both emotionally and physically. They sleep in separate rooms and John has been body shaming Jenny. He constantly tells Jenny, ‘Women of your age are extremely fit. Look at your friends. They are diet conscious and have slender bodies. You have no control on your eating. Do something about your body weight to make this relationship work

Distancing Partner from His/her Children

Sara and Daniel are a couple who have three kids. Sara hails from a family where her father was the less dominating one in the relationship. She has seen her mother taking all the important decisions at home. Whereas her father just focussed on working and agreed to every decision that Sara’s mother made. Now, Sara shares a similar relationship with her husband. She takes care of everything at home. Daniel is the one who takes care of finances. Their children are dependent on Sara for everything. In fact, there are times when Sara make her kids realize that it is their mother who does all the work and gets everything what they want. She often tells her kids, ‘Your father knows nothing about your wants. All he’s bothered about is his work. I am the one who gets you gifts and meets all your needs.

Blaming Partner for Cheating Without Any Evidence

Brady is a software developer and runs a small web development agency. He and his team works in a co-working space. Thus, Brady gets a chance to interact with other men and women at work. As a result of networking, Brady has developed good relationships with both men and women at work. However, Brady is more closer to Emma, who runs a communications firm.

Brady’s wife Lena often comes to the office to have lunch or drop off things. She saw Brady’s equation with Emma and thought that he was into a relationship with her. She often blames Brady whenever they fight, ‘You are cheating on me. The entire office knows your equation with Emma. I know what you guys do when you have to work after office hours at times.

Cancelling Plans With Friends/Family

Suzie had a fight with his husband Lewis. Lewis had a bad day at work and he communicated the same to Suzie. However, Suzie ignored Lewis’s words and compelled him to go out with her for grocery shopping. Lewis requested Suzie to plan it for tomorrow as he was really tired. But, Suzie retaliated by sating, ‘You’re always tired when it comes to helping me out. You’re good for nothing.

Suzie took this fight personally and cancelled the family vacation that they had planned in the coming month. She didn’t even bother to take Lewis’s consent before cancelling the plan.

Stonewalling

Michael is into a financial crunch from past two years. As a result, he’s suffering from General Anxiety Disorder (GAD). His wife Sara is depressed too. So, she’s worried all the time about her kids’ future and scarcity of financial resources at home. Whenever Michael comes back home, Sara starts ruminating about the situation. Further, she asks Michael for the money to meet expenses like rent, groceries, school fee, etc. Since Michael is the only earning member in the house, he has been telling Sara that she need not worry as he will manage the situation.

Further, he tells Sara not to discuss these issues everyday as it increases the level of his anxiety. But Sara has not been listening and continues to ruminate in front of Michael everyday. Now, Michael has become extremely frustrated with Sara. He has started ignoring Sara altogether. Even if the issue is genuine, he stays silent and wears a straight face.

Threatening

Kate hates going out with her husband Luke’s family. She has been constantly compelling Luke to cancel the plans from the past few months. But now, its now Luke’s brother’s wedding and it is important for the both of them to be present there.

Again, Kate pressurizes Luke not to attend the wedding. But this time, Luke is adamant as it is the biggest day in his brother’s life. When Kate realized that this time Luke would not agree to her demand, she threatened Luke saying, ‘I will report to social services for harassing me if you compel me to go for the wedding. Thus, without any cause Kate threatens Luke.

Red Flags in an Intimate Relationship

The following are the redflags you must be aware of to understand whether you are in a gaslighting relationship with your partner:

• You catch hold of your gaslighting partner cheating on you. But, you don’t bring this issue to notice. This is because you are fearful of retaliation or violence.
• Your gaslighting partner has a history of cheating in prior relationships. He or she boasts openly about cheating. This is because he or she is confident that you would not come face to face with him or her.
• Gaslighting partners projects hir or her cheating on you.
• He or she changes routines or behavior to conceal cheating. Further, a gaslighting partner refuses to accept the same when you ask them about it.
• Gaslighting partner responds to your bad behavior in a way that is too unreasonable than required.
• He or she may tell the therapist that you are solely at fault If you seek help from a therapist. Further, you are the one who needs to change for the marriage to survive.
• You were receiving warning signs from your gaslighting partner from the time you started dating. But, you kept ignoring it.
• A gaslighter projects his or her cheating on you. Further, he or she claims that you have not been meeting his or needs.
• Your gaslighting partner never apologizes. But he or she demands an apology from you.

You Can’t Cause A Partner To Cheat

One thing you must know is that no partner or spouse can cause the other to move towards infidelity.

Furthermore, you can never cause a partner or spouse to cheat. Remember that it was your partner’s choice to cheat on you.

A gaslighting partner has other ways or options to deal with the situation. For instance, he or she could have:

• Talked things out with you
• Discontinue the relationship
• Could have attended couple’s therapy
• Seeked Help from a therapist

However, your gaslighting partner chose to cheat on you. One thing you must remember here is that a gaslighting partner cheated not because you lacked something. But because he or she craves variety and attention.

Gaslighting partners have never-ending needs to fulfill even if you did things perfectly. Furthermore, with them it will always be you who would be blamed for cheating.

This is because gaslighters are never at fault. Further, they do not believe in taking responsibility for their mistakes.

Also, they are not empathetic and never feel guilty. That’s why it is suggested that you must get tested for STD if you find that your gaslighting partner has not been loyal to you.

Remember, you were not on his mind when he or she cheated on you. Furthermore, he or she did not use protection while cheating on you.

Gaslighters Set The Rules in an Intimate Relationship

You are simply there to meet the need of the gaslighting partner for pleasure. Furthermore, very quickly you will understand that you are treated as an object. You are not treated as a partner or a spouse.

Thus, here are some of the rules that gaslighters set for physical intimacy in your relationship:

• You should be available for sex always when you need the same.
• Gaslighters would say that you would appear more sexually attractive to them when you change your physical outlook.
• They may say a no when you want to have sex.
• Gaslighters humiliate you if you are not able to fulfill what they want sexually out of you.
• They are least bothered if you are feeling pleasurable. Likewise, they do not care if you are feeling the pain.

FAQs

How To Get Out Of A Relationship With A Gaslighting Partner?

It may be difficult for you to figure out whether to stay with a gaslighting partner or leave. This confusion is bound to happen.

In such a case, it is always good to ask yourself certain important questions. These include:

• Is My Partner Meeting My Needs?

You may not be able to make a list of your needs out of a relationship. This is because you have got used to fulfilling your gaslighting partner’s needs. And now, you find it so difficult to remember your needs.

Some of the appropriate needs in a relationship include:

• Your partner listening to you or hearing you
• To be able to be yourself without any hesitation
• Getting physical affection
• Feeling safe
• Getting respect

Similarly, chances are that you may not be clear with your own values.

This is because your gaslighting partner has challenged your self-esteem to an extent that you are unable to understand things you stand for.

Some of the values that you must look in a partner include:

• Honesty
• Kindness
• Safety and Security
• Helping out others

Thus, these are signs that it is time to move out of the relationship. Some of the things that you can do to get out of a relationship with a gaslighting partner include:

• Ending the relationship
• Cutting off all contact and blocking him or her on texts, calls, emails, etc.

Gaslighters are really good at pretending romantic behavior and emotional connection in the initial phases of your relationship. But the reality is gaslighters cannot pretend for very long.

Eventually, they are the ones who decide the rules for physical intimacy. Thus, for gaslighters, what matters is their pleasure and not yours.

How Do Gaslighting Partners Work?

The initial wit and charm is all a game for them.

Further, you may end up blaming yourself for your gaslighting partner’s bad behavior towards you.

Additionally, you would make all the attempts to get that initial charming, witty person back into your life. But the reality is that a gaslighter would never come back. This is because a gaslighter does not exist in the first place.

Also, you must understand that gaslighting in a relationship is very painful.It is full of confusion and turmoil. Further, it is super easy for you to feel ashamed.

However, there is nothing to be ashamed about because gaslighter’s charm fools even the influential people.

In addition to this, there is never a moment of respite once the gaslighting partner showcases his or her true side.

Also, you would bother yourself with the fact that what did you do so wrong that made your gaslighting partner misbehave.

Meanwhile, your gaslighting partner would want to distance you from your friends and family. Further, he or she may tell you that they are no good for you.

In addition to this, you may end up blaming yourself for your partner’s unreasonable behavior. Likewise, it is typical for your gaslighting partner to blm you for everything going wrong in your relationship.

Thus, beware if you find your gaslighting partner projecting his or emotions on you or you find yourself blaming for all the mess.

Sit down and think of alternative perspectives for you must not blame yourself for your gaslighting partner’s misbehavior.

What is Narcissist Gaslighting?

Narcissist gaslighting is when a narcissist uses gaslighting to manipulate others so that they can make others question their sense of  reality and gain control over their life. Gaslighting is one of the favorite tools of narcissists as they crave control. Thus, narcissists can use gaslighting as a tool to gain control over the lives of others. 

Narcissists are individuals who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). And the very traits of a person with NPD explains Narcissist gaslighting. For instance, narcissists are constantly seeking attention and validation. Further, they crave control over others, feel entitled, consider themselves to be perfect, and run away from responsibility. 

In addition to this, they lack empathy and can never work in a team. Thus, you will see that narcissists have so much in common with gaslighters. You can refer to this article on gaslighting examples to refer to the examples of narcissist gaslighting.

What is Unintentional Gaslighting?

When we talk about gaslighting, the gaslighter has a conscious intent of causing harm to the gaslighter. Unlike the typical gaslighting, the unconscious or unintentional gaslighting does not involve a gaslighter intentionally harming the individual who is gaslit. 

Accordingly, the gaslighter is not aware of the damage he/she is causing to the other person. The underlying motive may be something bigger like an agenda, a bias, or an intent to gain power. This is typically practiced by governments, extremist groups, media, organizations, etc.  

How do You Deal With Gaslighting in a Relationship?

As mentioned above, there are various stages to gaslighting and ways in which we can deal with gaslighting in relationships. For instance, instead of pulling off power plays and focusing on who is right and wrong, we can alter our actions or statements that trigger gaslighting. 

Similarly, we can identify those topics or situations that makes both you and your partner undertake the gaslight tango. Also, you can separate truth from distortion to understand if you’re being gaslighted. 

However, there are certain cases where gaslighting can’t be put off, no matter what you do. In such situations, it is leave your gaslighting partner. 

Is My Boyfriend a Gaslighter?

You may be asking yourself the question ‘Is my boyfriend a gaslighter’. Well, as mentioned above, you can look for signs of gaslighting in a relationship to better understand that. 

For instance, do you feel you’re always apologizing? Do you feel you’re losing your mind? Do you feel that you don’t understand the difference between right and wrong?

Also Read:

Best Paint By Numbers Kit for Stress Relief

Gaslighting in Movies

Examples of gaslighting in relationships

Examples of Gaslighting At Work

Gaslighting Examples: In Parents, BPD, Narcissist & Unconscious

Examples of Gaslighting in Friendship